From a Lover to a Friend
by calicoskies4ever
Summary: At the end of Nemesis, Clark tells Martha that he thinks he and Lex still have a chance at being friends this is a rewrite of my original story. It explores the possibilities of that relationship. No flames. Please review. This is a LexClark slash story
1. Wise Up

At the end of Nemesis, Clark tells Martha that he thinks he and Lex still have a chance at being friends. This is a total body rewrite of my original story exploring the possibilities of that relationship. Alternate universe, obviously slash, Lex/Clark.

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It's not, what you thought,

when you first began it.

You got, what you want  
now you can hardly stand it though.

It's not going to stop; it's not going to stop.

It's not going to stop, 'till you wise up," Amiee Mann.

Heading to the mansion again—unannounced and uninvited—I couldn't help but notice how different everything had become. Lex used to welcome my visits, like he had been waiting for me all day, but the last couple of years my presence was barely tolerated. Lex used to hug me whenever I came by, even if I was only dropping off produce, but then at some point, he stopped.

We tried to stay friends as long as possible, and when that no longer worked, I'd come by about once a week, and we'd have sex, but we didn't talk to each other any more.

I wished I could remember an exact moment when Lex started to get annoyed with me, a specific day when he seemed more angry, more hateful, but I couldn't. It all happened so gradually that I didn't realize how much we were fighting, and lying, and then one day I just wasn't allowed inside the mansion anymore. Lex wouldn't return my phone calls, and when I came by with the weekly fruit and vegetable orders, I was told to drop it off at the front gate. Then he started sleeping with Lana, and they got married.

All down the hallway I fingered the tiny hunk of Kryptonite I'd been keeping in my pocket ever since Lex and I broke up. Once inside Lex's office I could smell a tiny bit of cold gunpowder—someone had fired a weapon earlier—and brandy…lots of brandy. Lex was sitting, staring into a crackling fire, with his back to the door.

His head was slumped to the side, eyes closed racing around, watching his dreams. I almost left, thinking it would be better come back when he was awake, but then I saw the bandages on Lex's face, the dark purple black bruises contrasted against his pail skin. He looked so helpless, and week, and I needed him to need me. I kissed him then, once, on the forehead, and his eyes opened, slowly. Lex moaned, stretched, and then looked at me, angrily.

"Lana's gone, Clark. Sorry to spoil your fun, but there's nobody here—at least, nobody who needs rescuing." The words came out slowly, in a cautious tone, as though Lex were trying to avoid certain phrases like he wanted to hide the fact that he was drunk, even if it was just me.

"You were right," I said, and Lex stopped reaching for the glass he'd been drinking from. "You said something when we were—earlier, and I realized you were right all along." Lex was interested, but just barely. I knew I'd have to be careful. If I said the wrong thing, lied, held something back, he'd know, and this whole effort would have been for nothing.

"Sit," Lex gestured towards the chair to his left. "I said a lot of things, Clark, to which one of them would you be referring to?" he asked, slurring.

"You're drunk." When I said this Lex shrugged his shoulders, as if to say, ' no duh,' and reached once again for his glass—only to discover it was empty. He decided not to get up, but did stare at the bottle across the room. "I _have_ been lying to you ever since the day we met, and every time I caught you spying on me I overreacted, because I was afraid you'd learn the truth, and you wouldn't want me anymore. I didn't plan to keep lying forever, I swear. I meant to tell you, but—"

"You chickened out?" Lex sounded surprisingly uncertain, but I was afraid to correct him, knowing that any little thing would start a fight. "No. No, no, no, no, no! I never did anything to deserve being treated like—for at least six months. I gave you a truck! I let you drive my Ferrari, I—you ere supposed to be my friend. You were the only friend I ever had, and all you did was lie to me. What did I do to deserve that?" Lex sighed, leaned his head back against the chair, yawning, and he closed his eyes. "Get out," he said, sleepily. As angry and pissed off as he felt, he couldn't stop himself from nodding off.

"I was a kid, and you hit—you ran me over with you car, and I was fine. I ripped the roof off the thing…you have no idea how scared I was. I didn't know what was going on, so I said the first thing that popped to my head. When my Dad told me everything, I wanted to explain it to you, but he said I couldn't, and I was so scared they wouldn't let me live with them, or worse…I figured that if I just told you the truth eventually, everything would be okay in the end."

It seemed like an eternity between when I started talking, and when I got it all out, and it must have actually been a while, because when I first came in the windows were pitch black, and now the slim fingered dawn was starting to creep into the room. Lex woke up, and he looked at me strangely. I took him in my arms. He didn't seem to mind as we walked up to the bedroom.

He didn't mind when I took off his clothes, and put him in bed, or even when I took off my pants, and climbed in beside him. Once he closed his eyes, Lex didn't wake up again until almost noon, but I didn't sleep a wink. I stayed up the whole time, watching his chest rise and fall slowly, and clutching the small rock until my palm started to bleed, throbbing.

"What the fuck are you doing here? I thought I kicked you out last night." Lex gripped his head, squeezing and massaging his temples. "We didn't actually, you know, what did we do last night?"

"I came over to apologize for—for everything. I wanted to tell you the truth." Lex chuckled, and I knew it was one of those now or never situations. I had to tell him immediately, or he'd never speak to me again. "I'm from another planet."

For a long time he just stared, blankly, and then Lex lunged at me, his hands clenched into tight little fists. He reached to hit me, and I grabbed him by the wrist. I held onto his arm, pushing it down gently. "You don't really wanna do that. Look, Lex—I wish there was way for some way for you to do this, but there isn't. I mean the meteor rocks—Kryptonite, weakens me, but it doesn't change the way my body works or make anybody else stronger. If there was a way for you to actually hurt me, without breaking your wrist I'd tell you to do it, but I don't wanna hurt you. "

"Too late," Lex said, almost mouthing the words. I hated my abilities then, almost as much as I hated myself for the things I'd done to Lex. "What if I used one of those rocks to smash your face in?" he asked, but I got the feeling he didn't want to cause me physical harm.

"I could die if you went at it too long, but as soon as the stuff was far enough away, I would get, I'd be fine again. I used to lay in bed at night, and pray that you'd call me on it, because I knew I'd never be able to lie if you figured things out."

"But lying for any other reason was okay? You didn't have a problem with it then?"

"I was fourteen and scared!"

"You're not fourteen now! Are you telling me that you were still scared of—what—getting kicked out of your parent's house six moths ago? Or did you think I'd hurt you? Take advantage of you?" I wanted to hold him again, and I tried, but Lex pushed me away.

"I don't expect you to forgive me, but—I mean you were my first, well everything, and it killed me having to lie all the time, and I _wanted_ to tell you. I _meant_ to tell you. I should have told you. Lex, I'm sorry." I fell to the ground, shaking, and Lex held me, awkwardly—still angry—but he held me, and when I pulled back there was a wet spot on his shirt, of what my face looked like crying. "I'll go," I told him after we sat there staring at the comforter for about an hour.

"Sure, walk out on me, like every other person in my life," Lex said, trying to sound carefree.

"I figured you didn't want me around right now," I admitted. "I still love you. I can't imagine how hard that's gotta be to believe, but I do." I knew he wanted to say, 'what could you possibly know about love?' but he didn't.

"I want you to stay."

"I think we're going to—I think it might be good for us to—I was thinking that we might be able to make things work if maybe we could, you know, start over."

"I don't know if we can. Start over that is, considering everything I just think maybe we…" All I wanted to do was hold Lex, and never let him go, so I moved to put my arms around him again. This time he did let me hold him briefly.

"So what _can_ we do?" I asked. Lex and I had a huge history. We had known each other for so long, I felt like my whole life revolved around him, had to revolve around him.

"Maybe we could talk, come clean, find out if there is anything left to re—to se if we can try to salvage this—our relationship," he told me.

"I want us to sleep together. I think right now, I'm feeling completely out of control, and I need to get that back. I wanna—make love to you. We can talk too, before—during—afterward, whatever you want do."

"I think we should talk _first._ I can hold you, touch you, or you could hold me, or whatever you like." Lex pressed his face to my chest, and the two of us lay down on the couch together. I knew that I was the only person Lex had ever allowed himself to be vulnerable around, and I understood that was why this whole thing was so difficult for him. When we lay down on the couch together, he curled up into a ball. His entire body fit in the space between my chin and my knees, as I curled up around him.

"Why me?" Lex asked at last. "There's got to be millions of people in the world who deserve to be saved, to be the object of your constant attention. People need help, lots of them, so why do you keep coming after me?"

"I never liked anybody, but then I met you, and…

"Everything changed?" Lex muttered, 'no kidding,' and then shrugged.

"There's that too, but I never knew I could like guys, and I felt like a freak. Actually, when my Dad told me to give the truck back, I was glad, because it meant I'd get to see you again. I wanted to tell you everything about a million times. I left my house everyday, thinking, _this time I'm gonna tell Lex. This is the day._ Every lie I told him, everything I had to make up, I kept telling myself, _and this is the last one._

"So I was your first guy crush, big deal. You're out of the closet now, and you're gorgeous. Clark, you could have anybody you wanted, Ollie, that brat with the speed powers, Whitney, Pete, anybody else. Go rescue them. Leave me alone."

"I tried that already and it didn't work. I mean, Sex with Bart is _amazing_—he's the only guy I ever met who could keep up with me, but it was just sex. I didn't love any of those guys. I couldn't. I feel like there's a leash around my heart, and you've got the other end."

"That's a crappy metaphor."

"I can't be with anyone but you. I need you, Lex. I'll die if we're not together."

Lex looked at me as if he were about to roll his eyes or tell me I wouldn't actually die. "See this?" I shouted, yanking my sleeve down to my elbow. I hadn't told anyone about the Kryptonite or that I'd started cutting my arms. Mainly this was because I thought people would try and stop me, and because only girls cut themselves like that—I thought. Lex hugged me, then pulled my body as close to him as he could. Lex kissed my wrists and started digging through my pocket until he found the meteor rock, and threw it out of the room.

"Jesus Clark! Doing that sort of thing doesn't solve anything, I learned that the hard way." Lex bit down on his lip momentarily, wishing he hadn't told me the last part. "People care about you, and you're willing to hurt them, because we're fighting? People love you. They'd miss you Clark."

When Lex said 'they,' or 'people,' I knew what he really meant was 'I would miss you,' and 'it would hurt me,' but I didn't say anything. "Okay," Lex told me at last. "Okay, maybe we can try again." He sighed, kissing all up and down my arm.

"Are you doing this because you think I might kill myself if you dump me again?" Lex shook his head, and I gave him the look. Then Lex shrugged again. "I wanna hold you. Please, it makes me feel…"

"In control?" Lex completed my sentence. "I would feel guilty if you died because I didn't do anything, but I wanted to be with you anyway. This just gives me an excuse without making me look weak. You can tell me everything, if you still want," he said. "I love you Clark." I don't know if it was because Lex was close to me, or because he was speaking to me, because he said he loved me, but I started to feel better the minute I wrapped my arms around him. I closed my eyes, kissed his head, and then I looked back at him.

"This isn't gonna be easy, Clark. We've—you lied to me, probably about as much as I lied to you. I don't know if I can trust you, and you'd be a sucker to think you can trust me like that," he said, snapping his fingers.

"There's gotta be something I can do—something we could do, together, you know like a trust exercise."

"I doubt falling backwards into your arms is going to make me fall in love with you. Besides, you could run halfway across town for a snack, and still come back in time to catch me."

"I'm not talking about those stupid things people do on weekend retreats, or whatever. I want us to like tell each other something…something we never told anyone before…and we'll just keep doing that until we don't have anymore secrets," I suggested.

"I don't know. How do I know you're not just trying to get dirt on me…or worse?" Lex asked, scooting away from me. "Maybe we should just go back to fucking each others brains out whenever we're down and…oh come on—_you're _giving me _that_ look? You wanted to do it before, why not now?"

"I wanna be more than just some throw away fuck toy to you. I like having sex with you and—you're the best lover I ever had, okay, but I always wanted to be your everything. I always wanted us to be together forever."

"I paint my toenails," Lex blurted. I stared at him blankly for a moment, and then he added, "Clear nail polish."

"What?" I asked. I couldn't believe he would say something like that, especially right in the middle of a fight.

"I never told anybody that before…what you expecting something darker? You already know all my darkest secrets. It's your turn." Lex got up off the bed, and pulled on his bathrobe, before sitting up next to me, and sighing. I thought for a long time before telling him anything, not wanting to screw this up. I wanted to tell him the most perfect secret ever, but all I could think of was stupid stuff, the kind of thing Lana and Chloe would giggle over at a slumber party.

Finally I sighed, and said, "I never liked Lana. I mean—she's nice and everything, but I only ever pretend to think she was pretty because I knew everyone else thought so. I pretty much figured that I was a freak because I didn't like anybody that way, guys or girls. In fifth grade all the girls picked boys to pair up with and they had mini weddings. I was the priest. It wasn't that nobody wanted me, three different girls asked, but I turned them all down. I didn't want _anyone_. Then you hit me with your car, and when we were falling into the water all I could think, was _damn I wish I could fuck him. He's so beautiful, and perfect_, and—then I was okay, so I pulled you out of the car, and…I would have kept on doing CPR for the rest of my life, because I couldn't be away from you for more than a second. Every since we met I have been 100 totally and completely, head-over-heals, crazy in love with _you_, and only you."


	2. The Truth

AN: so this story has gone in a slightly different direction than I had planned, but I have to go where it takes me.

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"I play a good game, but not as good as you.

I can be a little cold, but you can be so cruel.

I'm not made of brick; I'm not made of stone,

but I had you fooled enough to take me on.  
If love was a war, it's you who has won.

While I was confessing it, you held your tongue," The Pretenders

"Why would you say something like that?" Lex shouted. He wasn't really yelling, but his tone was far from pleasant. "You can't expect me to think you've never been sexually attracted to anyone, other than me."

"Thinking somebody is hot, and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them are two completely different things. The only other person I ever said, "I love you," to was Lana, but I never meant it then. I only even went out with her to make you jealous."

"If you're capable of telling Lana you love her, without meaning it, how do I know you won't do the same thing to me?" It scared the crap out of me, hearing Lex sound so desperate. I'd seen him get scared when people tried to hurt or kill him, but Lex was always strong, always in control. The more we talked, the more his outer defenses started to slip away. I watched him as his left hand began shaking, but he grabbed a handful of loose couch fabric, squeezing it, until his skin became even paler than normal, and his hand stopped quivering.

I usually counted on him to be strong—emotionally—for me, so I guess I didn't think about it before, but Lex needed me to be there for him the way he had been there for me. Lionel Luthor raised his son to be a rock, an unfeeling, coldhearted, thoughtless monster. He wanted a younger, more attractive, slightly less furry clone. He raised his child without giving it any love, and told him, "Emotions are for the weak. "

"You're a Luthor, Son. You have to be strong," I heard his voice say in my mind. I could practically imagine Lionel writing up report cards, critiquing Lex's weaknesses, listing every tiny mistake he ever made. I knew he never even said, "I love you." Lex never cried in front of me. I always assumed he felt the need to do so in private.

While we were sitting there, it hit me, Lex never cried, period. I couldn't remember having seen him do it around me, but it wasn't because he was too ashamed to let me see him cry. Lex wasn't embarrassed by his tears. He hadn't shed _any_ since his mom died, maybe even before.

I held up my hand, pressing the other to his chest like people do on lawyer shows, and said, "I Clark Jerome Kent, AKA Kal-el of Krypton, do solemnly swear that I have always, and will always love Alexander Joseph Luthor, AKA Lex. I love him with my whole heart, and I promise to love, honor, and obey him for as long as we both live. I also promise to never leave him again," I told him softly, and kissed his face right below each of his eyes.

I pulled his body closer to mine, rubbing up and down Lex's back until he relaxed enough to unclench, but he still didn't cry. "It's okay, Lex. You're allowed to cry. I hurt you, and it's only gonna make you feel worse—a lot worse—if you keep trying to hold everything in. And I promise not to tell anyone." I'm not sure which part of what I said did it, but I must have done something right, because he opened up then.

At first Lex made a bunch of these soft, whimpering sounds, and then the tears came, slow, painful sounding little sobs. Finally, he cried normally. Because it seemed so difficult for him to do, I felt like his crying counted as Lex's second secret.

"After I figured out how to control my x-ray vision, I used to spy on you…in the shower, sleeping, doing—stuff, when you were alone, even a couple of times when you were with Lana."

"Yeah, I guess I deserved that—sort of. It's still creepy, the idea of you watching me with someone else—did you do it before we were together?"

"I watched you pretty much every night, until our first time."

"So it's my turn then, huh? I used to let you win at pool for," he paused, counting backwards in his mind. "The first two years we knew each other. I could tell you didn't like losing every time we play, so I tried to think of ways to make our time together more fun. I would have done anything to keep you coming back in those days."

"I knew, well I thought I knew. I was pretty sure you were letting me win, cuz you said you'd been playing forever, but I never lost—The only thing I wanted was to be around you too. If only one of us had said something—maybe things would have worked out better." Lex sighed, and shrugs. "I'm still afraid of heights."

"Me too," Lex told me, and he wiped his eyes. "My asthma went away after the meteor shower, but I hate flying, in a plane, or the chopper. Even looking out the penthouse windows scares me."

"On the night before my ninth birthday, I snuck downstairs in the middle of the night, and ate my whole birthday cake. I refused to admit it. My parents went nuts."

"What did they do, take away your milking privileges?" Lex chuckled, and I hit him, probably too hard, but he pretended to be okay, so I pretended like I didn't feel bad.

"No TV, no dessert, and I had to be in bed by 8:00 every night for a month—my father even threatened to take away my telescope, but I knew he wouldn't." He seemed satisfied with my answer, but still didn't say anything for a while.

"I got drunk for the first time the night after my mom's funeral—wait I—there's more to my 'story,' or whatever you wanna call it. The whole night is pretty much a blur, but based on my other alcohol related experiences, that's not unusual. Anyway, I do remember my father yelling at me, and beating the crap out of me and—I don't know what else. I woke up bleeding, and he never looked at me the same way again."

"I'll kill him," I exclaimed, and moved to stand up, but Lex held on to me, gripping my arms as tightly as he possibly could.

"No. We're not—I'm not even sure he did anything, at least I'm not sure he did what I think, and if you kill him, the police will lock you up. They might even kill you, and the world needs you, Clark. I need you." I wrapped my arms around him, and Lex made this whimpering sound, like a puppy dog. Then he seemed to give up.

"I'll protect you now," I promised. "I can keep on protecting you for ever and ever, if you need me to. He won't hurt you again, I promise."

"He wouldn't do it again, even without you around. Lionel looks at me now, like everything wrong with me is his fault, because of something he did one night when he was drunk. I lost my mother the day before, but my father—he buried his wife."

"You don't blame him? Getting drunk isn't an excuse for having had sex with a little kid!" I didn't shout. I wanted to, but I controlled myself because I knew Lex needed me to be calm.

"I don't even know what he did to me. How can I blame him if I don't know whether he did anything or not…and it's your turn."

"I don't think I have anything to compare with the stuff you went through."

"Good—right now I need to hear you talk about eating cake, or pissing your pants in kindergarten."

"Never did that," I snapped. "Sorry—I had my first wet dream the day after I met you. It was like what really happened, only you kissed me—and then your clothes came off, and then…"

"I get it—you love me. Enough with the 'I love you' secrets. It's not that I don't wanna hear all of this eventually, but I've had more than I can handle right now."

"It's not like we didn't have a great sex life before, but I kind of…there is one thing I wouldn't mind changing, you know, it's just that I can't do it, without worrying I might hurt you. I dunno, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't."

"As long as we're being open with these things, I know it's stupid of me to ask you to expose yourself to those rocks, but the one kind—they change you. They make you into this completely different person."

"Makes me act like a jerk, but if you really like it, there's gotta be a way. Maybe if I was only exposed to them for a short amount of time…"

"Like you'd ever let me take away from you when we finished—plus I'd think you'd be less careful on them…I might get ripped in half," he chuckled. "I think we're both getting at the same thing here. We did try it once," Lex said with a sigh. "But maybe it's worth considering a second time."

"Only if we were really careful, I mean, I would be the one who had to be cautious, but you' hafta let me know if I hurt you in any way, or if I was—"

"Yeah," Lex answered quietly, not moving from the couch, not uncurling. For a while I tired to hold him, as carefully and as quietly as possible. Part of me (most of me) felt guilty for bringing up my stupid fantasy thing right after Lex told me what his dad did. "Clark? Stop freaking out. I'll be fine, and it's your turn. I wanna—you wouldn't happen to have any more cake stories, do you?"

"Well this one my parents really witnessed, so it's not a secret, but when I turned 12, I tried to blow out the candles on my birthday cake, and I guess I did it too hard, because it flew off the table and splattered all over the wall."

"How on Earth did your parents explain what happened to everyone…" he stopped mid-sentence. "There wasn't anybody else at the party, was there?"

"After I tore the leg off our kitchen table—my first week in the house—my parents worried that somebody might find out and take me away, or something."

"So you never had a real birthday party either?" Lex asked, looking up at me momentarily. "My mother planned one when Iturned twelve, but nobody showed up. She was pregnant, and depressed…even _she_ couldn't make it."

"Well last year my mom, Lana, Chloe, and Lois threw me a surprise party, but uh Lois made the cake, which means there was nothing edible, and it was right after Dad died, so I wasn't really in the mood for a party." Lex nodded, reached for the phone, and called down to the kitchen.

"Hello, Lucy? Yes, it's about dinner tonight. Clark Kent will be joining me, and I realize it's a bit late to be asking this, but today is his birthday and I was wondering—okay, thank you—chocolate with vanilla buttercream frosting—uh, happy birthday will suffice—no candles. Yes, we'll be down in a while—I don't suppose we have any hot dogs and fries—if you can—yes and thank you again, we'll be down in an hour or so," he said, and hung up.

We snuggled for a while, showered together, and got dressed. Then we went down to dinner, and celebrated with my (and his) very first real birthday party. Later, as we climbed into bed, he looked up at me with heavy lidded eyes. "You're really staying this time right?" he asked, his body pressing up against mine.

"I promise, I will never leave you," I swore. "I didn't ever stop loving you. I was just mad. I'm sorry, I should of trusted you more. You are a good person, Lex, a beautiful, smart, amazing person, and I am gonna love and be with you forever."

"I hope so," Lex sighed, just barely able to hide the terror in his voice. "You know all of my secrets now. If you left, I'd have to have you killed." Lex went to sleep almost immediately, but I wanted to stay up watching him again. I don't need sleep, and I was worried about him. And so I planned to stay up, and watch him carefully all night long, but I fell asleep, and slept until about 3:00. Then Lex screamed, and I woke up again.


	3. Starting Over

From a lover to a friend,

take your own advice;

let me love again.

Now that you turned out to be

someone I can trust,

someone I believe.

How can I walk when I can't find a way?

I have a dilemma.

All I want is to tell me,

you're going to take it away," Paul McCartney

Lex's heart looked like it was pounding as fast as I can run. His whole body was soaked with sweat, and he was shivering. I reached to put my arms around him, but pulled back when he flinched. Then I watched as he sat up, and reach for the glass of water on the bedside table. Lex stared at the wall, breathing deeply, biting down on his lower lip. After a few minutes went by, his head turned to look at me, and he got this look on his face, like what are you doing up?

"You screamed, loudly—your heart looked like it was gonna explode, and you were crying," I tried to explain, my own hands starting to shake a little, as I wrapped my body around his.

"I wasn't crying. Look I'm sorry if I woke you up, but it was just a stupid nightmare. I'm not even sure I remember what I was dreaming about."

"So much for our 'no more lies,' pact. Well, here's a whopper for ya, I believe you, and I'll be going back to sleep now, since there's no need to worry." Lex turned his face away, grimacing. "If this is about your dad all you've gotta do is nod, or blink or—"

"All right, I lied before when I said I was drunk, and didn't remember the night after--you know night. I got drunk _after_ he left. Don't interrupt me, please. I can barely do this as is, but if you get all sweet and cuddly, and 'I'll kill him. I'll protect you forever,' on me, I'll have a total breakdown. He was drunk, and I do mean _drunk_, and my father is never drunk. One night—the wrong night—he lost control and did something stupid. If he had waited one day, I would have been back at school, and nobody would have gotten hurt.

"It was fast, but then again he had a hard on when he came into the room. He only hit me once, and he only did that because I was fighting him, and I know it's not an excuse, but these days, I try not to think about it because when I do, I have nightmares. I can't eat, or sleep, I get pissy...I'm sorry I lied, it won't happen again."

"Can I kill him, _now_?" I asked, giving him a small smile so he would know I was only trying to break the ice. He shrugged, giving me another look. "You can laugh later. Is it okay if I say something about wanting to protect you now?"

"Yeah, actually, only thing I wanna hear right now is you promising to protect me forever, or for however long you wanna be together.. Please, promise to protect me for the rest of night," he begged, grabbing hold of me.

"I promise. I know you said you don't wanna talk about this stuff, but…"

"Why do people do that?" Lex asked, cutting me off. "I don't like to think about what happened to me, let alone talk about it. Then you come by and tell me your stupid cake stories, so you can goad it out of me. Now I'm supposed to keep talking about it so you can hear all the juicy details. Fine, I'll tell you everything. Yes, he put his dick in my mouth, and in my ass. He touched me too, which was always the worst thing—at least in my mind—or maybe the sound of his voice in my ear, the stink of whiskey on his breath mixed with the sweat and—I tried to stop myself from reacting. I concentrated on the pain, pictured the way she looked the last time I saw her, but nothing worked. He got me to do the absolute worst—I couldn't—I can't—you know, I didn't cry after. I was too scared to even move for an hour. I only wanted to wash my mouth out. I picked vodka because it had the strongest taste, but after a few sips I started to feel numb, and after a few more sips I realize Iwas getting drunk, which was what I really wanted. Then I snuck the bottle back up to my room, finished the rest. I contemplated suicide, but I was too scared of what he might do to me if I failed. There, you happy now?"

The whole time Lex had been talking, about a million different thoughts popped through my mind. I wanted to say something like, stop, don't, cut it out, relax, Lex, please, but I didn't. My first instinct—which, thank god, I didn't follow—was to get angry. I think between the stress of worrying about Lex, and his screaming, I was feeling pissed off in general. I wanted to yell and cuss and completely lose it, but I also knew how much he needed me, and just how much worse things would get if I attacked him. "Well?" he demanded. I almost said, 'well what,' but then I realized I never answered his question.

"Of course I'm not happy. I didn't want to hear it like that. When I said we should talk about it, I wasn't expecting to hear everything, you sure as—you didn't have to give me all the 'juicy details,'" I tried to explain as calmly as possible. "Sometimes it helps to talk about whatever causing you pain, instead of bottling it all up and pretending to be a robot."

"Good old lark, always looking out for me," he said in a voice which made it impossible for me to tell if he was being sarcastic or not. "I'm sorry. I just don't like to even think about it, let alone talk about it. Now if it's all the same to you, I'm going downstairs to drink an entire pot of coffee."

"Can I come with?" I asked, standing up to follow regardless of his answer. Pulling on my jeans, I couldn't help but notice how more than two minutes had gone by, and Lex still hadn't answered me. I thought he didn't want me to go, but when I looked up the look on his face was enough to tell me two three things. Lex not only wanted us to go downstairs together, he couldn't stand to be alone right then, and he had not made a verbal response because he was too upset to really talk.

While Lex stood, silently watching the coffee brewing, more thoughts race through my mind, none of which I verbalized. Instead I let Lex have his quiet time, and started searching through the fridge to find something to stuff into my mouth so I wouldn't say anything else stupid. "Hey, there's still some cake left," I announced, pulling it out, and offering to cut him a slice.

"Sure, why not?" Lex said quietly. "I just wish he would. Why can't I repress this memory, forget about it for twenty years or so?" He sighed, and before I could answer, started talking again. "If my father would show even the smallest bit of remorse, and apologize to me—but it probably wouldn't make me feel any better, would it?"

"Well you said, he looks like he feels guilty, maybe Lionel dose regret what he did to you. I know it goes against everything the two of you believe in, but maybe you could talk to him about—"

"Absolutely not," Lex said, cutting me off again. "IF I tell my father this thing still bothers me he's either going to say, 'suck it up, Son. You have to be strong. I wouldn't have felt the need to test you all the time if I thought you were capable of acting like a real Luthor,' threaten to have me institutionalized, or some combination."

"I'd break you out on your first nihgt if he even tried, and then we'd go someplace where he'd never be able to hurt you again." Finally the coffee was ready, but when Lex poured himself a cup, he didn't drink any, and instead sat staring into the mug. "If you don't want the coffee, you don't need to drink the stuff."

"I know, but—How exactly do you propose I stay awake if I don't?" he asked, looking like he might get mad, or start screaming at me again. "You think I should go back to sleep?" This time he didn't sound angry. Instead his voice made him seem like a frightened child.

"I'll keep the monsters away. If you think you could get to sleep, I can protect you for as long as you need, forever if you need." Lex looked down into his coffee, and then back up at me, staring into my face. I could tell he was still trying to decide between getting mad, or letting me see how scared he was.

"You'll protect me then, really protect me? I know there's no such thing—monsters—but if it's all the same to you, I like, I mean I would like for you to watch over me, and I might get a few hours sleep."

"Anything," I promised, and stared back towards his room. I almost asked if I should clean up the mess, but then I remembered that Lex had people to do stuff for him. "I cooked my own breakfast the first week I was here. The cook came to me, sobbing, worried I was planning to fire her," Lex had told me once. "If I do something I'm not supposed to, my staff members freak out, and worry they're about to get the axe. It's not as if I go out of my way to make a mess, but…I know it makes me look like a spoiled brat, but if I had to be completely alone in this place, I'd probably lose my mind." Then I noticed the fact that Lex had started towards the staircase, I was still standing in the kitchen.

"Clark?" he asked, still trying to pretend he wasn't terrified. "Are you coming with?" I nodded, and super speed back to his side. "My—did you just—can you…would you—can you do it again?" The second time I ran out to the garden, plucked a couple of flowers, and brought them back.

"If this is freaking you out, I can stop—I mean, if you want me to, I can keep my abilities under control, most of the time."

"Don't stop. I like knowing. It makes me feel safer, seeing how strong, and fast, and everything else, just don't leave again, okay? Being with you reminds me of the person I used to be, and when we're fighting, or broken up, I forget, and I feel so angry, so alone… I do these horrible things, and I know how bad they are, but it's like I can't help myself. Sometimes, I don't even give a damn; I don't _want_ to stop. But when you're around, being nice to me, taking care of me, I feel safe enough to be myself. I never wanted to be like my father, but I kept pushing everyone away, and I did these things—sorry, I shouldn't be babbling so much. You probably wanna tell me I'm perfect or something."

"You're not perfect, Lex. Nobody is perfect. The only thing that matters is whether or not you're trying to be good. I'm not leaving this time. I can keep on telling you until you believe it, but if I don't say it, it doesn't mean I've changed my mind. I'm never leaving you again. I'm not perfect either, not even close. I've done bad stuff too. When I went to Metropolis that one summer, I stole stuff, hurt people, and I've lied to you, hurt you. What I did to you, though, was the worst. Everything else can be fixed, but you're never gonna forget the bad times, and for those things, I am sorry. I just hope we can be alright sometime."

"I think we're gonna be fine, if we don't lie to each other any more. I forgive you so long as you can for give me. Do you think you'd be able to do—eventually—do that, forgive me?"

"I forgive you," I cried, wrapping my arms around him, rightly, knowing he needed to do the same. "I forgive you Lex. I forgive you right now." Then I held him, and he cried, as I lifted him up in my arms, racing back upstairs, helping him into bed. Lex cried for a long time, an hour, or two, maybe even three. He was completely exhausted then, and didn't fight when I pulled the covers up around him.

When I reached to turn off the light, he looked up at me pleading, "don't?" he begged. "I don't like the dark, _please_." I nodded, and told him I would turn the light off no matter what, and I didn't. Then I just sat there, holding him for an hour or so. Lex drifted in and out of sleep, but something seemed wrong.

"Did you have a nightmare?" I asked.

"No…you're still here, right? I didn't think you were gonna walk out on me or anything, but. I had these dreams where you came back before, and when I woke up," Lex let his voice trail off. When he turned away, I wanted to force him to look at me, but was too scared of hurting him. I held his body close to mine until he felt able to look at m on his own. "Thanks for staying, for coming back, for trying to save me, not giving up. It means a lot to me, you continuing to be my friend. I never had any friends except for you, and when we stopped speaking—I'm just glad I don't have to worry about that stuff anymore." Lex sighed, and then just sat there, watching me. "I wish someone could wave a magic wand, and make everything okay again."

"I think we're gonna hafta work really hard to be able to trust each other, get through everything, but I think in the end everything is—I think it'll be worth it. I love you, and I'm willing to do anything to make it work out this time." Then he nodded, sighing.

"I love you too, Clark. You've believe me right?" he asked, touching my face. "And I'll do anything for you; I'll do anything to get you back, to make this work, because let's face it, without you, I'd be hopeless. I'd be lost. There _is_ darkness inside of me, a lot of darkness, but when I'm with you, I don't want to do those things. When we're together I feel good, happy, confident. I feel like I could be a good person, the person I've always wanted to be when I'm with you," Lex explained curling up beside me, with his head pressed to my chest. He wrapped his arms around his knees, and let his shoulders and upper back make contact with my stomach, but the rest of his body was twisted awkwardly, to keep from touching anything below my waist.

"If it would make you feel more comfortable, I could put my pants on, or something," I suggested.

"You don't have to do that. I'll be okay as long as I'm with you." I watched the pained expression on his face while Lex slowly pushed his hips closer to me.

"Wait." I put one hand on his shoulder, and reached behind my back, pulled a pillow out, and placed it in front of my crotch, as a barrier between our bodies.

"Thank you," he said, moving right up against me, yawning, closing his eyes, yawning again, and then falling asleep. Lex slept all morning and fairly well into the afternoon. Judging by the look on his face when he woke up, I could tell Lex hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in a very long time, but he did seem happy about being able to do so.

The next few days all Lex and I did, was talk. We told each other everything, it was sort of like starting from scratch. The thing about Lex and me is that we always got along so well because we had basically everything in common. The lies made it pretty much impossible to trust each other, though, and then—over time—we grew apart, but other than the problems we'd had, nothing seemed to change. I think we must have been really lucky, not just in finding each other, but because we got a second chance too. Le and I love each other. We're both willing to do anything to stay together forever, and because of those facts, everything just might be okay in the end.

_Fin_ (I think)


End file.
